The Perfect Match.
If you know me personally, you would know that I am not much of a womanizer. Well, I don't come anywhere near being a womanizer. If you walk into a club, and see a smiling guy gyrating to the swings of the music, with a bunch of ladies clinging to his bulging biceps, begging to be danced with; that certainly won't be me. Now, move your eyes to the bar, and see the guy chatting up the sexy female bartender, cracking jokes, taking body shots, and asking her when she gets off work, so that he could take her out later that night to have a good time; that won't be me either.
Off late, eHarmony.com has been advertising way too much on the idiot box, and like an idiot I have been watching too much of it. After a whole month of the marketing gimmick of how they would give you a free $50 worth compatibility profile, I succumbed to the dot com. In order to get that coveted profile, I was required to fill out a 'simple' form answering some personal questions. With a lot of enthusiasm, I started out skimming through the first set of questions, which were close to about 20. The progress bar read '0% complete'. No sweat. I started off diligently pondering over every question, and carefully marking out my answers. Are you an arrogant person, and the choices ranged from Not at All, Something more than Not at All, A little more than something more than Not at all, Some What, A little more than Some What, A little less than Completely, and Completely. So, I asked myself if I was an arrogant person, and I marked 'A little less than Completely'. If I wanted a honest compatibility profile, I decided there was no point in marking, 'A little less than some what', lest I get an incorrect compatibility profile.
After a good 2 weeks of intermittent and honest answering of what seemed like endless questioning, well past the initial 20 questions, and now into what seemed like the 238th question, the progress bar scratched at 19% complete. I had vowed not to give up, and get to 100% complete one day. I continued to crawl through the myriad of questions. On some days, the answers seemed like 'Let there be Light'. I pinched myself, and through the haze it turned out to be 'Something like Some What, but Not Exactly that'. 23% Complete. My patience was beginning to soon run out. My choice of answers now ranged from 'Not at all', 'Some what' and 'Completely'. The other options still existed, but I had stopped marking them after 25% Complete.
Questions like, 'Would you like her to respect your views?', I am not entirely sure why would somebody mark 'Some What' or 'Not at All'. I reasoned out that my 'perfect' match should respect my views if she wants to, but can choose to veto them if I am acting irrational. I wanted to mark, 'Completely most of the times, but at times, she obviously should thunk my head if I am giving out stupid views.' There is no point in supporting the idiot, and if she does, I would be seriously scared when I come to my senses. I didn't see the answer that I wanted to tick off, so I marked the next best, 'A little less than completely but more than some what'. I was getting bored of this If...Then, Fish pond question-answer session, so my answers started comin' off really quick. My sole motive was directed to get that 'honest' compatibility profile at any goddamned cost. The oxymoron loomed large over me.
If somebody is confused about what a 'compatibility profile' is, one would be more confused once they start answering those braniac questions. For the ignoramus, a compatibility profile provides you with what qualities your perfect partner should possess for 'you' to be happy forever. Honestly, I had a basic sketch of what she should be like, but I wanted to know whether I was right. After 3 months of arduous answering tinged with a fanatic fervor, I managed to see the light of the day. The progress bar almost said 'Finally'. 100% Complete.
I was mentally prepared to see a ransom note demanding $10 to see the compatibility profile. But the big guys were true to their promise, they gave me 5 pages of fine print stating what my 'perfect' girl should be.
When I read a blog post, or a news article, I confess, if the first few lines don't hold my interest, I don't force myself to read through the entire drudgery. I begin to skim. This does not hold true for a book, however. As luck would have it, the profile of 'my perfect match' didn't retain my interest beyond the first few lines. I could have probably saved a lot of time by reading Linda Goodman's chapter on Sagittarius girls, as they happen to be my star partners. I started skimming through the profile to see if they had anything interesting to say. I did not find '...would be wild in bed.' Now that's a very important factor. I consoled myself by thinking that maybe when they said 'adventurous', I should be reading between the lines.
I hope to be really bored some day, and that day the profile of my perfect match would be read. I decided to rest it until then. Further more, eHarmony.com offered to 'find' the perfect matches for me in a radius of about 10 miles of where I am located. Although, I am not much of a supporter of online dating/matrimony/pimp websites nor do I scorn the idea, my temptation to see what a perfect match would look like got the better of me, I hit the 'find now' button. After what seemed like a whole minute, it returned with 'No Perfect Matches found'. I decided to go ahead with 'in and around 60 miles from where you are located'. I was expecting to see a bunch of my perfect matches when I got back with my cup of coffee, but the page continued to show exactly what it was saying before. Thinking that the internet must have frozen, I decided to refresh, but to no avail. I was beginning to feel a bit perturbed with nobody matching my compatibility profile.
I didn't bother myself with the 'in and around 100 miles', 'in USA', 'in this continent' and other such 50 options. I decided to go with 'Anywhere in the World' option. I was positive there would be a lady in burqua waiting for me in the southern part of Palestine. You probably would have guessed it by now, my luck had run out. 'No Perfect Matches found' stared right back at me. I reminded myself of a funny, I had heard in junior college, 'There's never a Perfect match'. Luckily for me, I never thought there was one. You always got to strike a balance.
Well, if you are still at the club looking for me, I'll be the guy telling you the moral of the story: There's no point in looking for a perfect match, as any match can still light a spark!!! Hell...Yeah, Pun intended.